How about “Analysis and Anal Cysts.” Nope. Try this for size: “Nuts and Butts." Uh uh. “Freaks and Cheeks.” Still no go. “Loons and Moons.” Forget it.

Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with: “Dr. Rama and Dr. Montemayor, Odds and Ends." And everyone loved it!

Engaged couples rarely realize that marriage is, of course, more complex than sign boards. Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden." Boy: “That’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles." Girl: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet!" Girl to her boyfriend: “One kiss and I’ll be yours forever". Guy replies: “Thanks for the early warning.”

Then, this doctor married this good-looking lady. And after the wedding, he laid down these rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want. And don’t hassle me. I expect a great dinner unless I tell you that I won’t be home. I’ll booze, play golf, and party my old buddies, anytime. Any comments?" “No, that’s fine,” the new bride said.

“Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night —- whether you’re here or not."

After the honeymoon, there’ the back-to-reality phase. Wife: “Do you want dinner?" Husband: “Sure! What are my choices?” Wife: “Yes and no”.

A newly married man asked his wife: “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?" “Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you, no matter who left you a fortune.”

Wife: “What are you doing?” Husband: “Nothing”. Wife: “Nothing ... You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!" Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date".

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my  pretty face or my sexy body?" The husband looked at her from head to toe, then slowly replied: ‘I like your sense of humor".

Husband and wife can have a bitter quarrel even on their wedding anniversaries. This couple did. And the husband yells: “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, “Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever"! ‘Yeah?" she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: “Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last.”

The following quiz consists of four questions. They will show whether You’re qualified to get a college diploma. Try them.

Q1 : How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the fridge, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

Q2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close it? Wrong. Correct Answer: Open the fridge, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, then close the door. This tests your ability to think through repercussions of previous actions.

Q3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All animals attended except one. Which animal? Correct Answer: The Elephant. Remember you just put him in the fridge.. This tests your memory.

OK. You have one more chance. Q4. You must cross a river but it is full of crocodiles. You do not have a boat. How do you cross? Correct Answer: You swim across it. Were you paying attention? All the crocodiles were at the conference called by the Lion King. This tests whether you learn quickly from your previous mistakes.

( PS : Anderson Consulting Worldwide says 90 percent of all professionals got all the questions wrong. But many of preschoolers tested gave several correct answers. “This conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.")

(E-mail : juan_mercado@pacific.net.ph )