First, I will set aside a fifty million dollars for my wife and kid for their eternal security. So that the money will not be wasted, I will stuff several pillow cases with green bucks and bury them in my backyard with secret instructions to retrieve the cash after the use of credit cards will have been outlawed.

Then I will set aside another fifty million for my brothers and sisters and my in-laws. Charity begins in the family. Those who are extra good to me will receive dollars, those who are only good to me will receive Philippine pesos.

Now that my kin have been sufficiently provided for, I will budget fifty million to circumnavigate the globe. It would be fun to relive history by tracing the route of Ferdinand Magellan. If I am able to land in Cebu both by plane and by ship then I will be convinced that the world is up and down. I will also charter a jet plane to give me a ride from one end of the rainbow to the other.

I will then rain fifty million on charitable causes. I will help reduce crime. The reason people commit violent crimes is because they are angry. And the reason why people are angry is because they are hungry. Therefore, I will fund a soup kitchen called Feed the Angry Program. I will also promote good education. We have to go back to basics. I will establish a nationwide reading program for adults to teach them how to read- Walk, Don’t Walk, Do Not Enter, Wrong Way, Stop, Slow, Men Working, Danger, Restroom, Gentlemen, Women. Illiteracy is the primary cause of accidents. And to fulfill the dreams of Pinoys in metro Washington to have a cultural center, I will buy half of Oxon Hill in Maryland and build a grand architectural icon that will be showcase the pride of the Filipino. It will have conference rooms with on call arbitrators to facilitate election of officers. It will have huge ballrooms with mirrors all over so that you can appreciate your own dancing even if the others don’t.

On the spiritual side, I will give away another fifty million to help build modern churches. Many people now do not have the time to attend mass from beginning to end. I will support churches who will cater to the needs of the modern man and woman, churches who will bless churchgoers even if they arrive after the sermon and leave soon after the communion. I will continue to give lavishly to pave my way to heaven.

I will spread cheers to people for fifty million. I have a soft heart for senior citizens. They have given the best years of their lives to take care of the now generation. They deserve to continue enjoying the spices of life. I will see to it that every retirement home will have an unlimited supply of Viagra. Equal opportunity is guaranteed under the constitution, I think. For my depressed friend who is lovesick because he was abandoned by his only love named Mercedes, I will give him a Mercedes Benz. All my other friends will each get Rolex watches so they will know what time to shut up.

The rest of the money will be for my petty cash. I will be able to have all the time for myself and the love of my life. I will play a lot of golf. I will be surfing the Internet. I will be doing this. I will be doing that. What more can I ask? That’s the American dream.

A few nights ago, I found out that I did not win the lotto. To my relatives, my friends, my potential beneficiaries, you will have to wait. The American dream just went bust. When is the next jackpot drawing?